My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
