Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
