When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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