he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
