I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
