I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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