Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
