this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
