i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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