tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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