I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
