dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
