I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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