I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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