I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
