mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
