just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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