oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
