So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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