when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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