I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
