Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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