I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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