i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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