I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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