Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
