it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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