just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
