After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
