I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
