Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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