i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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