He is like the real live version of the state fair..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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