I am puke
I cockslap morals
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
