Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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