That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
