He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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