Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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