im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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