Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
