There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
