he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
