I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
