The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
