I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Welp...herpes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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