my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
