Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
