I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
