I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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