He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
