I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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