Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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