whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
