He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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