I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
