i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
