just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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