Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
