All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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