I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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