It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
