there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Send help, water and tortillas.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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