just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
